THE LORDS OF SALEM is Rob Zombie’s slow burn, endless, pointless, near frozen scenic tour of a limp frail homage to the all mighty fallen angel, Satan. Heidi is a local Boston DJ and after receiving a LP delivered in a wooden box, she plays it on air. The Lords music brings naughty flashbacks and the Devil, when Heidi becomes the vessel for something cursed upon her from 1636. LORD’S should be reduced to a few scenes of aged naked witches, Heidi’s cute bare bottom, an abortion of a rubber monster suit and a backlit white out scene, culminating with Sheri Moon Zombie as the blessed Madonna of the Devil. Total, 15 minutes of clips, tops. Hell, that could have made a pretty good YouTube video.
Bum BUM bum bum BUM, No, not MOON zombie’s exquisite bum, but the ominous music bum, AND Moon’s curvaceous bum. Rob Zombie wants to eat your soul very, very slowly while lovingly watching plaid boxer’s fall from Heidi’s (Moon Zombie) ass slowly revealing the slope of her backside without reason except that it is there for us to idolize. Now I am not a man to deny the grandeur of a shapely posterior especially on a blond dread locked nymph gone insane, tilting windmills in a black and white Freddie Kruger sweater. What’s not to like, but it’s all about context and there is very little contextual meaning for Heidi’s ass to moon us.
But when the buzzards of ancient, naked witches are pulling the cart of sexy, it’s a trial and punishment to sit through. Especially since it’s repeated over and over, lending a new meaning to Hell and the punishment that awaits us all for watching this movie.
Is this Rob Zombies unknowing homage to Polanski’s Rosemary’s Baby, minus the stellar cast, camera work and suspense. LORD’S a near abject hilarious ALT barbie doll haunted house story.Heidi Laroc works as a DJ with the Big H team in Boston consisting of 2 other Dj’s. One bearded straggler is possibly a boyfriend or an ex-boyfriend who shows up with the occasional grunt and pleading look. For an alternative babe Heidi strangely never gets sexual with her lapdog suitor, doesn’t Satan like sex? Apparently not, there will be no fornicating during Satan’s return until he says so. Yet Satan doesn’t seem to really want to return to Boston at least, unless a few hulking silhouettes were him making a quick 7 Eleven pit stop.
Heidi’s neatly furnished retro styled apartment, managed by an obvious witchy landlord, visits Heidi often with her witchy sisters. They all have it out for Heidi. Strangely they bear a close resemblance in age and attitude to the filthy naked beasts of (ahem) women that were burned at the stake in Salem in 1636, and burned rightfully so. Someone had to shut these freaks up, the tourist trade must have been dying in Salem.
Now I know that is no damn good reason to be showing so much ugly at the beginning of a movie. But Zombie loves ugly and he poignantly holds the camera on the sagging flattened breasts and flesh rolling stomachs of his Lords of Salem. Who have been condemned to death by fire by the local Reverend. Obviously in that era, there was little to do but worry about the most hideous of women and what they were up to. Personally I would have moved to another county like Ashland or Eugene and left Salem far behind, Oregon has better corn fed healthy women within it’s state.
Heidi likes to lounge about the apartment wearing sweet thigh highs but with her shining naked ass mooning upward so that it’s silhouette can be fully appreciated, well backlit by avant guard furniture. It’s a fashionable statement worth repeating, but can it carry an entire movie?
The scream queen’s rear almost does. Moon wearing dark rimmed glasses, ash blond dreads, and proper hipster attire, She’s a cross between an ex horror rocker, free basing tweaker and an ultra cool DJ with her silent side kick, a nicely appointed apartment. And Heidi is a rather attractive queen for the ALT group with splendid tattoos etched across her bosom signaling hotness for the demented and youthful audience LORDS is going for.
The Hallway in Heidi’s building is nicely wallpapered but stay away from apartment 5. Heidi tries to say hi to the new neighbors but the landlord assures her no one lives there. Oh so spooky, if this was 1974. This is old school hype and signals movie language better left unspoken since it’s been said so many times before it’s been rendered useless and predictable. Yet it looks like Rob wants to make the statement once more himself.
Like a boyfriend that has cheated too many times on you, his apologies fall on deaf ears as so are scenes played out too many times, it pulls moans of remorse and boredom from me.
Zombie has taken the historic road in attempting to build a story before the release of the horror. Unfortunately the build is far too long and there is no horror to come. Unless more naked old ladies chanting for Bob Eubanks to return to The Price is Right counts as horror, it’s rather disgusting but horrifying? For me it was merely annoying and rather sleep inducing, especially with such a droning endless white noise soundtrack, bordering on Eraserhead but without any urgency.
Heidi does manage to keep me watching with her coolness in the form of clothes, decor and the recurring nakedness of her bum because clothes seem to be repelled from that one part of her body, no others. Which only makes her sublime buttocks all the more noticeable since it’s the only part we see, it becomes conspicuously apparent.
Of course The Lord’s music is supposed to entrance the women of Salem. So when Heidi gets a record, from The Lords to play on her DJ program, it stands to reason people are going to have a reaction. Well only the women, they kinda get sleepy, then move into a fugue and get kinda sick. Rather like my girlfriend does every month for a few days, she calls it red flag days, I call it Hell.
The Lords Of Salem has zero surprises and follows every old trail from a John Carpenter mistake. The Dj’s guest of the night is an expert on Salem Witches, surprise! And he’s really interested in where the Lords music came from, surprise! So we know there is going to be the obligatory research scenes that leads to a skillet unceremoniously to his head for sticking his nose into Heidi’s business. The only surprise is how tight the experts wife’s face lift is, far too tight and that was kinda horrible.
So the record makes Heidi sick, feel weird and see things. Like guys with socks on their heads, strange fetuses and some blood here and there. Her BF thinks it’s just her cravings for the good dope she left behind, but we know it’s that damn witches music played on ancient cat guts and hollow tree trunks.
So creatures blink into Heidi’s hipster apartment and I am never certain who or what they are, they are not witches. So they must be demons doing the Devils work? Or Bible salesmen gone astray and selling the good book upside down? Rob leaves a lot of the work in this movie to the language of past films that we carry with us into the theater. So it’s easy to draw a supposition of who is doing what, to whom and why, like an abstract painting the viewer projects it’s inner self onto the work. So I’m thinking these guy are embalmers, looking for work on the side?
The droning in style, action and events moves on till stocking faced men operate without a license on Heidi’s belly, cutting her open to draw out a shrilling alien like creature. Then POP back out and the so called reality of Heidi’s problematic Kubrick style hallway with apartment number 5 at the end, drones on. There is something going on behind door number 5 and at some point Bob Eubanks will have to open it and I am lusting for a horrific eyeful.
But first, more slow mo shots of water dripping and some montage of skulls, goats, eyeballs, and Heidi’s apartment decor having some serious dysfunctional miscarriages.
It’s all a bit constrained, and looking like Rosemary’s Baby with apartments hiding secrets and landlords with strange relatives coming out of the woodwork. While Heidi as a white witch Mia Farrow get sicker and sicker under the watchful eyes of the witchy trio, preparing her for her journey into apartment 5. Where we assume the devil is waiting to impregnate her, cause there is a lot of talk about her parts between the thighs. What else would all the fuss be about and all the talk of bleeding the women of Salem to bring about the apocalypse, and the Devils’ supreme reign.Thank God, well not God, sorry. Thank Satan and the goat he road in on, the door to apartment 5 is finally opened and it’s like the Tardis. Bigger on the inside than the outside and it’s been fabulously decorated by Liberace, who obviously went to Hell for what he did to his young apprentice in Sodenberg’s recent Liberace’s movie. No, I will not review that gold stained terror of a Romedy.
But before Heidi is rolled into the gold gilded wonderment of Satan’s entry way. She must once more reveal her porcelain ass to signal the importance of the next scene and to wake me up from my stupor. Those boxers have a real issue with staying up, unless it’s a prison style? It could be Satan’s style, I could understand that but failure to see the rest of Heidi’s nakedness while the entire clown crew runs amok like it’s Burning Man puzzles me.
Heidi is cursed as a descendent of the Reverend that burned all the witches to Hell. HELL, I thought that’s where they wanted to go in the first place, what’s all the angst about? Cursed to wear white face and walk into apartment 5, to see gold staircases leading to a small wreak of a plastic suited abomination, reaching out with umbilical cord like appendages. It’s mini Satan or Satan’s tiny clone? or it’s his baby that hasn’t been born?
I have no idea and I am hunting for clues desperately.
The scope of the movie opens suddenly and Heidi is center staged in punky t-shirt, stockings and boots, dolled up and ready to ride demon sperm. While solemn stocking faced weirdo’s stroke phallic plastic to images of Jesus. Whoa, this imagery fails to inspire anything or invoke any message other than, what the hell is this?
What is the rubber suit abortion supposed to be, her child to come? Is she a doorway for Satan’s spawn? I can’t tell and the guessing goes on, and on and on. Then Heidi’s in a burlap sack, (can’t Satan afford better? a gold dress or at least make her as naked as the evil wretches ) seems to be giving birth to something, as the filthy nude witches rub their hands over her and blood runs under her thighs.
Grasping the hellion spawn from tween Heidi, the wretched endlessly naked and mud or filth covered witch clings to the rubber multi armed ameba as Heidi is suddenly cloaked in regal attire as the Satanic Madonna high upon a fleshy mountain of bloated naked woman who were parading down the splendid wallpapered hallway on their way to apartment 5 a few scenes previously.
32 suicides says the voice over, bodies found on the Salem stage. I am sure my body was in the pile because after this movie I died. And that is how Satan works his evil magic, he get a hot blond to wear Kruger sweaters and play the Devil’s music till you rent the dvd and experience real Hell.