Ridley Scott has been working over time producing movies lately, like a man possessed. He keep punching them out and it does seem like each of his projects get more ambitious and less watchable. I respect the director but sometimes you have to speak up.
THE COUNSELOR is cleanly shot like a Lexus commercial. You expect the ride to start, you want to get into the car but it seems to have taken off without you. Only to drive in circles, teasing you with the door open. I kept thinking I would be allowed to enjoy the ride, but it never starts.
Billows of clean white sheets cover a loving couple in bliss. The sheets move like clouds. Sexting without mobiles. Urging each other, prompting love. Smiles and promises. You like Fassbender, Cruz is adorable. They promise a thrill ride, despite the silly sexual coaxing.
But THE COUNSELOR keeps starting over with almost every scene looking like a possible opener. It never goes anywhere, all the catch phrases fall dead despite an interesting cast struggling to add meaning to their quips. You know from the beginning that everyone is going to die, or want to. The script telegraphs it 5 minutes into the movie, with the constant fear mongering.
Michael Fassbender stars as THE COUNSELOR with nefarious friends. Right from the beginning all his friends tell him NOT to get involved in dealing drugs. He calls people to ask their advise constantly and they all tell him how things can go wrong and that they will go wrong and that his life will change and there is nothing he will be able to do about it.
So the COUNSELOR decides to do the opposite of everything that is being told to him, or what common sense would tell him, and set himself up for the disaster everyone is telling him to avoid. He claims it’s greed. So he buys a diamond for his fiancé ( Cruz ) to make certain that he is over his head. One has to wonder what law school he went to and if it was on the back of a matchbook cover or over the internet. This is not the smartest Counselor and I was often wondering why his friends bothered to call him that. What was his claim to fame or act that earned him that nickname or the constant reference to it.
Characters just keep appearing with no effect on the story line. Brad Pitt as a self indulgent cowboy wagging his finger at the Counselor while leading him to his doom and professing his own. Pitt is a swollen chested half hick with too much swagger and not enough brains. He’s superfluous to the story, a redundant reminder of what not to do and serves only as a gratuitous victim of a mechanical beheading after being taken advantage of by yet another woman.
Javier Bardem as the Counselor’s friend cries about his fears. Telling stories about his vicious girlfriend, Cameron Diaz. Who has insane written all over her in red lipstick. Even after she fucks Bardem’s car windshield, stretching her vagina over it like a bizarre sucking bottom feeder while Bardem with a front seat view watches in boggle eyed confusion.
Bardem still isn’t convinced he should get the hell away from the man eater, no matter how much she threatens him. He still bows his head and tells her he loves her, either out of fear or stupidity or is love stupid?
And if I see Bardem in one more freaking ridiculous hairstyle from the Planet Nimrod, I’m afraid something bad is going to happen to my brain. He is forcing me to protect myself from his styling choices. My doctors have advised me to endure no further viewings of his hair EPIC Fails. W
How does someone with so much trouble still have time for so much styling?
Now Cameron Diaz is starting to frighten me. I am not sure what is happening to her face but it’s not a pretty sight. I fail to see why any man would find her attractive. She exudes evil or a propped up angle of it. I guess that is her role here but something is badly skewed like a Stallone movie. She seems like a parody of herself. I find watching her on screen painful no matter what the role and feel that she should retire from the industry. I apologize Cameron but that is how I feel. I hope that you can forgive me but you frighten me as much as Bardem was bewildered by your car windshield fornication session.
What Bardem loves about Diaz’s is beyond me. In fact I can’t see why anyone likes anyone in this movie. The characters are empty, strange creatures, acting like idle adolescents with an extra day off from school and nothing to do, but talk about sex in stupid ways and figure out what kind of life threatening trouble they can get into.
The whole storyline is just a damn mess and the setup takes forever. We never know who the Counselor buys the drugs from or what Bardem or Pitt are actually doing to help him. We never really know who they are, everyone just keeps talking about the rules and how they go out the window when the Cartel loses trust in you. Is evil ever safe?
Suddenly characters would start to wax on eloquently about the horror of life and it’s trials. What twisted events will happen and why. And how they know so much more than the next person that dies.
Yes I got it, the Cartel kills people, they die. After watching a million murders in film and television I think I get the point about death, guns and how much bad guys kill anything that moves. You take their drugs, they don’t believe you, then you and all your friends die. Got it thanks, no need for 1 1/2 hours of setup for that!
Maybe open up with a lot of killing, everyone is dead. Then bring in the story. Or open with the mistake done and Fassbender on the lam with Cruz, in tow from her perfect world half naked, tripping over her skirt as the invisible Cartel murders all the friends they goes to for help. Maybe with the terrible Diaz revealed to be the culprit of it all and then kill her with a hungry Leopard tearing into her meat. Reminding us all that nature takes it’s course and putting collars on them doesn’t domesticate animals.
THE COUNSELOR is all built up to the moment when all the killing starts and leaves the Counselor crying in a cheap hotel room in Mexico with a trail of dead bodies and bad memories to sob over.
This movie is a bad memory, I was warned but i didn’t listen. I read the reviews. I heard the news. I saw the rotten tomatoes. I was advised yet still I watched it. What a fool I was. I was greedy, I wanted more Ridley Scott. Now there is nothing I can do about it, but live with the grief, but grief is worthless. It has no value. So I will throw it away and be more careful the next time I rent a DVD.
At least no one in my life had to die.