Why I really hated I, FRANKENSTEIN

I, Frankenstein. The worse movie ever made? Why Aaron? WHY?So terrible. So useless a mishmash of CGI, bad script and flat acting, that I regret the 50 cents I spent on it at RedBox. I could have bought a donut. I could have taken the two quarters and buried them in the dirt. I would have had a more entertaining time watching the coins never bear fruit than the terrible confusing travesty of this film. The cast is pathetic. Aaron Eckhart is lost as I am bewildered as to what bizarre chain of events lead him to this empty wrestling CGI acrobatic acting abortion thrown against the ropes, falling sweaty to the mat over and over. Until you’re forced to stop your pain and press STOP.

The producers of UNDERWORLD starving for coin, tread out in vain a misanthropic clash of Demons, Gargoyles and the Frankenstein monster, no really. A truly futile and extremely badly executed montage of scenes attempting to capture what was decent in the UNDERWORLD horror mashup. The movie that spawned a thousands drops from a high building shots. Only there is no Kate in a skin tight leather unitard to quench your mind and to save the day.

A few of the regular actors like Bill Nighy from Underworld create mockups of their previous characters, and it’s all just terrible with a capital “T” Plastic makeup, cheap CGI and predictable fight scenes make this a parade of mistakes. Money thrown into the shredder. Demons go down and Gargoyles go up when killed. And who the hell cares?

Frankenstein, Adam. Ha ha, so stupid, so predictable. It hurt my liver. Adam has a painful, gravel mocking voiceover.  He rants over flying Gargoyles and jumping Demons killing each other. It’s the worst animated children’s violent comic book come to life. And it just goes on and on reiterating the same scenes.

Of course the Demons want to reanimate dead soulless bodies and fill them with Demon souls. Adam is key and his father’s manuscript is a blueprint to success. Adam discovers he actually has a soul, an incredible surprise in this soulless wreak of footage.

Adam loves the blond beauty scientist that electrifies dead rats for a living. She’s another hanger on from the UNDERWORLD ensemble. They hold hands and walk into the CGI world of I don’t give a damn. As CGI stone Gargoyles save the world from plastic masked Demons by destroying their schemes of reanimating the dead. YAWN.

Aaron looks inane as a leaping, two fisted fighter of Demons. He’s so out of his element as are all things in this montage of mistakes, you can’t help but wince. Why would Aaron not do a decent Romcom, an Espionage thriller or the mandatory Kidnapped Daughter flick, if he needed money so badly. The editing is terrible, the acting forced, the effects hastily slapped together creating a textbook example of what to NEVER do to a movie.

IF the producers had made a modern remake of Frankenstein with Aaron as the soulless monster walking the modern streets in angst drowning in his horrific past of betrayal and revenge. Searching for redemption and a place in the world. This could have been a somewhat interesting movie. But there is no script here, merely strung together overly simplified comic idea’s never worked out fully.

The corporate Demons dressed like Agent Smith surrounding Adam was so shockingly foolish, you have to wonder if the director took an extended coffee break in the Bahama’s and left the movie to his PA to shoot.

What does it mean when producers spent millions to make a movie that is so obviously brain damaging boring, insipid and head shaking absurd that a 50 cent RedBox deal to rent it, is TOO much.

I, Frankenstein is the new yard stick for putrid bad. The new finger pointer. The cardinal rules of how to destroy a movie and who to not hire ever again.

Was Aaron blackmailed? Tortured into this. Was it a bet? This is the only curiosity, this mockery of a movie could entice. WHY?

 

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