Why I hated ROBOCOP

Is this Batman? is it boring? Yes, it's the bad robocop, close your eyes.Stop! Do not rent RoboCop, or even view it for free. Take away all the charm of the original ROBOCOP. All the quirky roles. Throw away a great performance from Peter Weller. Get rid of Weller’s fantastic voice skills and ingenious physical presence. Add a low level director in place of Paul Verhoeven, then sprinkle a few totally forgettable antagonists. And you have the most lackluster remake seen in many years. Ta da, magic, I mean disaster!

Robocop remake, bad sausages in a tin can.

Robocop mistake remake. Bad sausages in a tin can. This guy is a giant sausage.

This will be a short remembrance of the pain I experienced watching ROBOCOP the reluctant remake.

Bad! Just bad. Bad acting, bad timing, bad scenes, bad script and finally BAD ROBOCOP. No charm, no skills and NO reason to exist. None other than to bastardize the original and make it look like shockingly amazing.

Completely bereft of any redeeming qualities, no social implications or pithy commentary, the writing is thin as the virtual paper it was written on. Simply no effort, no ingenuity, no insight into the future. It’s all a rehash of the obvious present with some human drones thrown in and the usual mean spirited, one dimensional Corporation goons.

Now when I say one dimensional, I am not exaggerating. We are expected to fill in the characters weight with baggage from all our worse exaggerations. The heartless corp executive, his kiss ass side kick, the heartless harpy and the betrayed scientist. Will these cliches ever die? Is it a permanent illness that will forever plague popcorn movies?

Robocop remake canon fodder, just line up, so you can kill us all.

Robocop remake canon fodder, just line up, so you can all die quickly.

Lead role Joel Kinnaman, plain and lacking any interesting qualities as an actor or as the human made into a Police cyborg. No humanity, no style, no kidding. Please make him go away, now. Go away now.

Michael Keaton, head of Omnicorp, was terrible and boring beyond anything I have ever seen him in. This is his swan song, unless he gets into makeup and somehow resurrects Beetlejuice, his career will never rise over this land mine that will explode over everyone.

Samuel L. Jackson as a television right wing, disaster of a news anchorman. Wrong, weird and strange. I fear for his career and his agent was fired after this gig.

All except Gary Oldman, who resonated well as an ethical scientist trying to straddle the fence between funding his work and his moral compass. He’s alone here acting with a mirror. If it weren’t for Oldman’s spectacular past credits, this land mine would have blown him to bits also. Boom, gone.

Other than that, obsoletely zero redeeming value unless watching some more tech get the CGI treatment and a billion fake bullets is your cup of tea, steer clear and rent the original.

Everything is missing from this costly misfire. Elements sorely needed to raise this terrible mistreatment of the material off the ground.

When you are dealing with such a signature property, with a rich palette of history, style and skill. You can’t just slap old spaghetti on the plate and think the patrons will eat it up. You have to replace what is missing with something of equal or better value. Better acting, better Robocop lips, better idiosyncrasies, stronger emotions, and heart rending heroics. It’s called scriptwriting, does anyone do it anymore? It’s called pathos, anyone hear of it?

Wait, remember the wonderful score from the original? Do we have any musicians left on the planet, are they all on skid row? Can we still find a few and hire them? Let’s see, the budget was 100 million, let’s say we hire some really amazing musicians that can write and while we are at it, let’s hire new scriptwriters. Some executive producers must have pocketed some spare change from the budget like about 99 million.

Fatally wounded, this version of RoboCop should have been left for dead after the first few minutes. The whole crew should have stood up and realized, nope, this is not going to work out, I mean it’s really looking bad. We need to rewrite and recast the Robocop guy now. Then go home, take a long hot shower, relax and rethink the entire idea.

There is really not much to review, it was just bad. Don’t even bother to be angry at it, just keep going, nothing to see here.

Except bad, bad and boring, and rather an insult.

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