Why I hated Batman V Superman

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Martha? Your mom has the same name as my mom? Whhaatt? Dude, like no way. Ok, never mind, my bad. Don’t worry, I’ll save your mom.

And so ends Batman’s horrific apocalyptic nightmare. The Earth’s potential world wide domination by an alien being, Superman, is blithely ignored because Batman’s mom was also called Martha. Uhh seriously?

batman-v-superman2.jpgWhiney tears shed yet AGAIN for the endless reexamination of Batman’s origin story. Bruce Wayne’s parents gunned down in a grimy alley outside a movie theater has been replayed and revisited so many DAMN times, that this time it literally murdered BvS.

Now when I see the same alley murder I pray the mugger shoots Bruce also.

Does anything work in this superhero collision that no insurance company would cover? No. Nothing works. Not a single thing. Nada. There is nothing interesting about BvS. And very little makes any sense. Should superhero movies makes sense? No, not really, they don’t have too.

But when Zack Snyder soaks a heady, dark gravitas over BvS and demands we invest in the adult dilemma of Batman’s angst over a super powerful alien who likes to smash up major cities instead of simply flying to the desert in a split second to save lives. He better weave a few threads of logic into the spandex and foam costumes, or well versed movies goers will cry foul or at least cry out in pain.

bvs-wayne-murders-143730Pain that makes me wince when I remember this again. How many times do we need to see the same shots over and over. With the massive overwhelming budget of BvS, Zack could have shown us Superman’s Fortress of Solitude where Superman would have brooded for ages. Or he could have spend some money on a decent script instead of badly borrowing from Frank Millers graphic novel to prop up his glamour shots. Which frankly Zack seemed to be in short supply of late, contrary to his outstanding visual journey on Watchmen.

Whiney Batman cries again in Batman v SupermanBatFleck’s mournful attitude is exhausting. Affleck neuters Bruce by cramping his resilience  and turns Batman into a bloated killing machine fixated on tearing up criminals, rather than any sense of justice and forget Batman as a detective. Batfleck is a total fiasco, he rings false in every scene.

I loved watching BatFleck work out intensely with giant tires and sledge hammers. They should’ve shown Superman bench pressing luxury liners or moving Mars out of it’s orbit to creates new weather patterns, or new Astrology signs.

Cavill WINCES his way through Batman V SupermanSuperman is less dimensional than a cardboard standee at the local comic book store, urinated on by the neighborhood dog. Cavill winces his way through the role and portrays an alien who is so stupid he leaves massive, bizarre advanced alien ships abandoned for the US military to ravage Kryptonian technology for what can only become devastating results of deathrays and advanced genetics. Batman should have been more worried about protecting the world from that! While Clark is more fixated on getting his grove on with the utterly unattractive Lois. Never has a couple been less compatible. How about some budget spent on a convincing Lois?

And what is with Superman’s olive oil soaked hair slicked back like a cheap mob enforcer? Whose brilliant idea was that? Doesn’t flying at high speeds dry it all out anyway? Did Zack  assume getting rid of the iconic Super Curl would help Cavill channel a new perspective on the Man of Steel? Weird.

Superman fails to use his abilities to deduct or act in a constructive way. It’s constantly violent. Superman doesn’t use his X-ray vision to see a bomb in a court room, but he loves a heat vision attack. The sudden restraint Superman shows in his battle with BatFleck is pointetly uncharacteristic. A flick to the temple would have torn BatFlecks head gear off and ended the charade. But, but his mom?!

jesse-eisenberg-a bad Lex in Batman V SupermanJesse Eisenberg is a horrendous choice as the main villain. Flailing about more like a bitter college frat boy than a sophisticated genius capable of giving Superman grounds for worry. Lex is the linchpin BvS pivots on, but when you pull the pin this grenade is a DUD.

With a crippled Luthor capable of manipulating the Worlds Finests Heroes so easily merely reduced the nature and power of the heroes heroism to a fable as we watch them so easily churned and made into tasteless butter.

Jesse tries to mimic the iconic performance of Heath Ledger with an irksome quirky take on Lex as a manic, idiotic overly emotional sociopath. Completely drowning any menace from a supposed super villain like Lex.

The stupified Lex working the Kryptonian ship to create a Doomsday weapon is a joke. This isn’t a Facebook server waiting for new code to be able to upload photos without blur created from too much compression. It’s an alien craft, or it should have been portrayed as such.

maxresdefault-1BvS is a laughable battle. And totally unneeded since Superman would have used super speed to save his mother and never rely on a pathetic mortal Batman with mental issues to do it for him. Apologies to all the Super Nerds in the world debating the BvS fight scenes.

But if you are going to bill BvS as a battle there perhaps should actually be a battle.

Instead it’s a preamble led by Lex, with a Wonder Woman insert and a 3d Doomsday tag on with Superman’s death cliche to bookmark the mistakes that were strung together as sadly as Martha’s string of pearls was torn apart. Damn it, back to Batman’s parents death once again. It just never ends.

Is Godot sexy enough to play Wonder Woman?I almost forgot Wonder Woman. Does she bring anything fresh to these worn out angsty, angry DC pillars of masculine trademarks filled with confusion and frustration? Maybe, just a tad. Godot is the only calm actor on set. While Affleck and Cavill ape for the camera under enough stress to bake trout.

WW isn’t on the screen too often but when she is, there is a watchability to her scenes. Much like Jeremy Irons Alfred, any moments of interest are quickly squashed for fear of elevating the tone from teenage, dressed for death, self pity to anything the least bit adult.

But is Godot sexy enough to play Wonder Woman? I mean she’s the ultimate woman right? Yet there was some outrage in her casting. Another super thin, super heroine from the island without men, where women hips and breasts were free to roam unfettered. And while there is no debating she is a beautiful woman, I wonder is she ample enough to be a Wonder?

Back to the oblivious and the obvious, Lex out thinks the newly formed Justice League trio easy enough. He simple walks into the Krytonian ship Superman left lying around for anyone to use and designs himself a Krytonian killer. Enter the 3d misanthrope with inexplicable energy powers and an uncontrollable rage. Hey this really is like a stupid comic book fueled by teenage testosterone with no place to focus it’s angst except who ever is sad enough to be in their way.

fqxtisgpsr5gbehs5pfc.jpgThe final act is mindless, empty and blindingly ugly. Bad 3d, bad script, bad motivation and obvious pandering so banal its more of a paint by numbers scenario than anything creatively scripted. I could feel the producers drilling into my head searching for approval and when finding none, they pushed out Suicide Squad. Oh boy, that’s one way to violate your audience.

If you’re 10 or 12 years old then you may enjoy BvS from behind yet to be opened eyes. Ignorance can be bliss and with BvS you better be extremely blissful to enjoy a moment of watching this expensive example of children reacting as they think angry adults would.

 

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