Why I really REALLY HATED ALIEN CONVENANT

Place holders for the real actors who were never cast. Moe and curly turn over ALIEN.ALIEN CONVENENT is cheap torture porn at it’s highest level, disguised as a Sci Fi horror, tent pole movie. Cheap in it’s constant cliches despite surrounded by big money effects and actors scrambling to raise a sunken ship of fools from the ocean floor mired in confusion.

I was shocked by the ineptitude of Covenant. But such an important film in the annuals of cinema must be given a serious retort to it’s SMACK in the face of audiences world wide. So let’s get this salad made, in as loud a voice as possible.

If you expected the years of waiting for answers for PROMETHEUS’ endless hanging questions about the origins of mankind and the fascinating world of the Engineers to be answered, then be prepared for one slippery, giant Fuck You.

The culprit of this warrant vs humanity is Ridley ScottRidley Scott is pissed, either drunk or just an angry old man, who has decided to take a u-turn straight into madness and suicide the Aliens franchise by flying the entire project into planet Dumb Fuck.

Scott retreads Frankenstein and Phantom of the Opera and completely bypasses every single thread of decency and plot line from Prometheus to deliver the worlds most unanticipated AI gone mad, eulogy of humanity.

Moe and Curly end up leading the pack of the mentally incompetent on their way to populate a planet of fools.Moe and Curly reprised by Kathrine Waterston and Danny McBride find themselves trapped on a colonizing space ship with thousands of the most moronic, brain dead mother fuckers the earth has to offer, to populate a distant planet of fools. Sadly some of the crew are still partially awake and staggering through this idiotic carnival of slaughter.

James Franco gets jerked off into spaceMy initial JOY of watching Porn Star James Franco burned to death in yet ANOTHER Sleep Pod disaster, his salesman mustache framed in flames, then jerked off into space quickly wears off as you begin to realize.

I am so damn confused and scared. Please, I don't wanna be Captain.The highly trained, lol,  hapless colonists will now be led by the MOST incapable, deluded Captain to ever grace space. How in the world does a mental deficient like this deeb with a KILL ME T-shirt even get chosen by ANY government or organization to be in ANY level of command? I wouldn’t hire this Momma’s boy wanker to rig my toy train, let alone protect thousands of colonists on a 14 year mission into space.

Billy Crudup is completely believable as the central loser supreme Oram, and the linchpin of the film is centered on his sophomoric decision to change course from a carefully scientifically examined planet destined for colonization to one that he has a unique near spiritual belief will be a far better choice. Good thing the engines don’t run on pixie dust, or they would be stalled out in deep space. I can hear the entire board of directors at Weyland screaming at the top of their lungs. Follow orders you asshole!

It’s Oram’s pompous religious self righteous feelings of superiority that lead the entire crew to their deaths. If someone had simply bonked this deranged holier than thou confused manic on the head and taken control, the colonists would be screwing themselves into nirvana on the shores of a distant planet soaking in the sun.

But NO! This is all about the mistakes , all the endless mistakes, the supposed skilled and specially trained crew of the Covenant make. No one other than bimbo, ballon chested BayWatch life guards are allowed to be this stupid, unless you’re in a Scott fiasco. Hurrah! Who needs plausible reality based Sci Fi when you can just sprinkle stupid all over it and HOSE it down with money, while being pompous and asinine.

Space Suits, I don't need NO stinking space suits. My Go pro is awesome.Well here we are on an alien planet that we haven’t investigated or examined in the least. Hey let’s go out for a walk and look around. Should we wear space suits, seeing how, you know, there’s all kinds of potential hazards that could kill us on an alien planet, unless you know this is like Star Trek cartoons. You know there’s air on Mars right?

Nah, lets put on some trainers and take a jaunt in our underwear. Bring a couple of GoPro’s to record our fun filled vacation. Don’t forget your flip flops!

Wait! Weren’t we specially trained for space travel and alien terrains. Wouldn’t space suits protect us from foreign matter that could infect us, makes us sick, or maybe even kill us? We don’t want to jeopardize our mission, plus we don’t know who or what else in on the planet, don’t we need some serious gear or transport? Look I have some space suits right here. Let’s wear them.

Nah! Let’s just frolic about and breath in all sorts of contagions. I mean what’s life without some risk? Right? Just don’t forget to turn on your Go Pro, like last time ok! That was so stupid of you.

Sorry, geez, you never let up, I make one mistake and you’re all over me.

 

AKR20161227151100704_01_i.jpgYou are screwed now. Your highly trained friend has lost her cool and decided to lock you in the Med lab instead of waiting a few seconds for you to get out. Gee I wonder if you are going to get killed by an alien about to burst from your friends back. Oh the suspense is killing me.

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Let’s take a step back for a second, to look at the opener with Walter and his father/creator Weyland. A DEEP flaw in the assumed logic of Walter as he asserts that he will live forever and his creators die, is that humanity has the power of creation and that each person lives on in their children. The assumption that David makes about his creators dying is PURE ego and wishful thinking. Weyland himself may die but his daughter lived on or Weyland could have other progeny, thereby recreating himself and enduring. Something that David is incapable of and it obviously becomes an obsession. Yet why doesn’t that desire take form in a more obvious way. Why the desire to destroy humans and not create in your own image as humans have done. Because David hates humans? Again, WHY.

Back to the endless crew mistakes. Can you count them on one hand? Better get a calculator, because in this Star Trek fantasy realm of Sci Fi, logic is meaningless.

alien-covenant-trailer-analysis-david-engineer-cloak-73.jpg I know that when I go camping or hiking with kids or friends. The first thing I tell everyone to do, is to separate, go off on your own. Find someplace all by yourself, smoke a cigarette, relax and don’t pay attention to anything like poison ivy or snakes. Sit down and get ready to die. Just like in Prometheus, let’s not follow basic wilderness rules.

Screen-Shot-2017-01-10-at-8.39.52-PM.jpgTo hell with it, Let’s blow up the ship. Cause it’s not like we know what we are doing. We are just campers out for a weekend of fun in the sun, only millions of miles in space on a foreign planet we know nothing about.

landscape-1482855421-alien-covenant-trailer.pngLet’s not get distracted though by the irritating realm of realism or lack of it. This is a cautionary tale of AI running amok and killing every human in it’s sight for revenge, including any other races that gets in it’s way such as the Engineers, and for what reason? Davids curiosity ends at mutilating, and destroying entire civilizations. It’s the Frankenstein’s monster revenge on humanity with false notes of operatic proportions that scale poorly and ring out with dissonance.

Covenant is NOT the answer to Prometheus, it’s NOT the space opera of Aliens, it’s NOT an eloquent Sci fi horror, artistically displayed to unveil humanities courage and the unknown majesty of space travel.

Covenant is a circus act of stumbling FDA approved cannon fodder colonists lining up to feed AI’s David’s voracious appetite for death and the willingness of suicidal astronauts to be raped and murdered.

David the aspiring human become nothing more than a broken robot in Alien Covenant.David has become a broken robot, nothing more. His hatred and desire for revenge is the driving force of the Alien series now, yet it rings loudly hollow and without reason. What pushes Davids deep relentless hatred of humans? Was his daddy flawed? Did daddy not love him enough?

All our fathers have flaws and Wayland loved David more than his own daughter. There isn’t any reason for David’s psychological pivot from obedience to destroyer of humanity. David is a sputtering teapot boiling over, he’s not an escalation of intelligence and Walter points out perfectly that one off note proves that David’s entire premise is flawed.

But David never bothers to debate or respond to Walters accusations. Thereby reducing Davids actions to a mere computer flaw, and taking away from the audience the thrill of the philosophical debate ala Kirk vs Machine of Walter’s earnest duty overcoming Davids near comical circus of the bizarre.

Can one broken robot with delusions of granduer outwit the ingenuity of the human race? It would seem that Scott thinks so or at least NOW thinks so after changing his mind and revising the script of PARADISE, into a nihilistic requiem. Giving David carte blanche in out smarting everyone in the film, from the Engineers to his own creators.

Here Brother stick this in your mouth and blow, I'll hold it for you. Covenant.Except for his brother Walter, who quickly sees through Davids guise and confronts him bluntly with his flaws and evidence of AI dysfunction. Here Brother stick this in your mouth and blow, I’ll hold it for you.

The only moment in the movie that could have produced chills was the mental and physical confrontation tween the broken David and Walter.

Sadly what starts as a novel and emotionally charged combat tween the two AI’s is slash cut into a blur and ends FAR to quickly to become the scene stealer this movie so badly needed. With a resolution as glaringly cliched as the worst imaginable and immediately obvious.

But let’s take a step back in this debacle of Sci Fi turned anti human propaganda.Noomi-Rapace-Prometheus.jpgShaw!

In Prometheus we are taunted by her words of wanting to meet her makers and find out why the Engineers wanted to end their human creations. It was years of waiting till Covenant. Years of waiting only to discover.

Shaw is dead! Murdered? Died in a yet again the suicide Pods of disposable humans? After the massive outcry against the fatal error of killing Newt and Hicks at the beginning of Alien 3, you would assume a smart director would steer clear of such obvious tactics, especially when audiences have been waiting YEARS to watch Shaw continue her quest.

But NO, Scott takes the MOST HATED route possible and uses the idiotic Sleep Pods to first slaughter Franco then quickly moves on to Murder Shaw, and then traps the entire colonists in Sleep Pods leaving them at the mercy of David. Who quickly declares them dead in a message to Earth.

Is this a plot device worth waiting years for? And paying millions to create and many more to buy a ticket and watch? NO! It isn’t worth a dime. Why not just say
“Everyone is DEAD!” and not waste the time to write and shoot the entire ludicrous cycle of Sleep Pods and banal mistakes humans make on the way to the grave. Aren’t these movies about hero’s?

69d20cea-sigourney-alien.jpgThough almost everyone died in ALIEN the original. Sigourney Weaver was the incredible image of humanity persevering against all odds. Beautiful, courageous and smart, she pitted herself against the deadly Alien and WON! She won and made her way back home only to be dragged back into the fray in ALIENS, but that’s what she was all about, an example to us all, an inspiration that made the franchise so interesting.

Is the true message of Covenant, the decline of our skills as humans to design our own fate and the fears that AI is taking that away from us as surely as there are no longer any Weavers to save us from our demons. Has humanity sunk so low genetically that we are nothing more than meat in a flying fridge of Sleep Pods waiting to be consumed?

Shaw was that connection to our virtuous past, she was our Ripley, even more strongly for her beliefs and her perseverance. Yet she is treated as worthless, insignificant. Did David merely wake Shaw to experiment on her. She is shown enviserated and cut open, her face frozen, wide eyed in endless disbelieve of what her compassion to David has brought her. A lesson in survival and the end result of religious compassion?

7669087987243624.jpgThis is torture porn. Shaw cut wide open on a table. Never given a chance to find her answers. Betrayed and murdered by a blender that she herself plugged back in and turned on. Is this a movie that humanity will pay for? Is this the vehicle for teaching Nihilism and death at the hands of AI because of our stupidity and lack of understanding? That is the only lesson Covenant seems to be saying. Wake up!

The last act of the Covenant is a pathetic video game reprise of every played OUT Alien scene WITHOUT any of the style or panache. Aside from a terrible Alien POV that reduces any potential scare of Alien to merely a teenagers game controller thrill. Nothing new has been added except my contempt.

What was once a sense of dread of how the Aliens were incredible perceptive and other worldly, is now reduced to a flaccid humanistic scope utterly plebeian and boring. Great job Scott in recreating the complex into the mundane, well done.

Fim, comics and jazz are the few original art forms of America and seeing that Jazz is fading from sight and comics have become the whore of movie companies, it’s easy to see why anger is the only decent response to having the last of vestibules of film franchises bastardized and destroyed without remorse.

Scott has lost his mind and is senile. Covenant is the most vile, disgusting nihilist UGLY garbage of a film that I have ever seen. It’s only purpose to make the viewer sick and disheartened both mentally and physically.  I was pained and insulted by Covenant. It breaks the cardinal rule of disrespecting the audience.

Scott will forever be remembered as the worse director in the history of cinema and his previous triumphs will be viewed as luck or circumstances controlled by studios or the effects of others whose true contribution was left unacknowledged.

Scott’s attempts to solidify his legacy in the annals of cinematic history has resulted in exposing him as a charlatan, a manipulator and a drunk. This film is so poorly written and shot that there is no other reason for its existence other than to display the workings of man who has LOST all skill in a craft that was perhaps never his.

There is NO rhyme or reason for Covenant to have been made. Unless Scott’s purpose as he approaches death in his 80’s, is to wag a cautionary finger, obviously the middle one in the face of the entire world.

If you want to kill yourself then go to this movie. If you want to live, forget Scott ever existed. I plan to do the second.

And be prepared for Scott’s next massive fuck up, BLADERUNNER. It will be a pathetic caricature of the original. Totally bereft of any soul or meaning as Scott destroys the significance of yet another historical film with his mindless hysterical swerving on the road to oblivion.

If Covenant’s poor Box Office is any indication. Bladerunner will bring in far less money than the piss poor monies of the original and hopefully studios will stop banking on senile, self indulgent half wits to lead their greatest franchises and find some new blood to inspire the culture of film instead of sabotaging it.

Like Prometheus, Covenant demands viewers to write their own sequences and explanations for all the missing scenes in the film. Inherently audiences want satisfaction and continuity or our efforts and the entire series of films become inexplicable and meaningless.

Since we care about the Aliens franchise and the characters despite Scott’s frivolous behavior. It looks like he’s depending on our dedication to create meaning where he supplies none and will simple destroy all our hopeful implications in the next destructive episode of Aliens.

Maybe this is just a new writing style that pushes viewers into responses and vitriol to better serve the franchise. Box Office numbers say WRONG.

 

Why I didn’t like Ghost in the Shell.

Semi nude scarjo camo suit, Ghost int he Shell There is no Ghost in the empty Shell of the movie called Ghost in the Shell.  A slow sad string of absolutely soulless scenes strung together almost absentmindedly by a director that was following the rule book of how to assemble a robot to mimic a classic Manga movie only all the parts just didn’t seem to make it into the box when it arrived on the western shores of America.

All shell, no ghost. Naked Scar JoDespite what should be seen as a tour de force of CGI and near awe inspiring nude allure of ScarJo’s simulated naked body. There isn’t a shred of humanity to spark even a nano second of stimulation. Ghost dulls the senses to near blindness and a feeble weak willed sound track grinds the gears of Ghost’s broken hardware to near dead stop.

If Rupert Sanders, the director’s motive was to mimic an empty world bereft of feeling and excitement, to threaten us with a taste of what a true mechanized life would feel like, trapped within a cold, sterile, lifeless shell then Ghost is an absolute success.

“Why can’t I feel my body” The skin smoothed ScarJo asks. The audience blankly nods in agreement. Why can’t we feel anything from this film. Millions of dollars propping up the gospel of technology falls to the theater floor like 2 quarters. Lavish CGI sets of cities and holograms are plastic sheets of boredom, pinned up to support nothing. A pop up book has more depth and meaning than the imagery in Ghost.

The Major desperate for some kind of human connection visits a call girl asking                      “Are you human?” Even ScarJo is hunting for meaning, and the sterile sexless touching between them has all the tension of silly putty.

ScarJo takes her stride seriously , in Ghost int he ShellScarJo leans into her role as Major like a broken doll. Her gant is stilted and inelegant like a disabled veteran despite her being the perfection of robotic technology. Either Majors brain or ScarJo herself are very uncomfortable in their bodies. If it was a character choice to riddle the physical aspect of the role with contradictions of skilled fighting vs awkward bad boy stomping stride, it serves more as a distraction than a thought provoking character trait.

There are just too many inconsistencies in ScarJo’s portrayal to create a believable character. Major isn’t comfy in her robot body but can scale walls and fight as fluid as running water, only to lean out of balance when having a conversation. Perhaps it reflects the endless cold, disconnection ScarJo has since she can’t feel anything but the desire to work the room with bullets.

Scarjo’s Major is never really fleshed out. The usual B story with deleted memories to create a corporate killing machine. No history means no humanity and Major plays the quiet puppet. Too quiet and her monotone delivery fails to excite or create tension. Not once does she rage against the machine. No once does humanity peek out from her shell. Blank stares and confusion hardly register as a worthwhile emotion when you have been ripped from your body had your mind wiped and shoved into broken sex doll with a urge to slaughter.

The supporting cast is milder than miso soup on a rainy day. I will just skip their names to protect decent actors just trying to make a buck. The predicatable Yakuza robots, cyborgs and neural networks are stagnate silly ideas and the blasted clean Bladerunner sidewalks are hardly innovative or shocking in the modern age where its all been done but better.

So Major retrieves her memories and finds her mommy, yawn…  then sets out to fight the Corporations that hurt her and her teenage boyfriend. And it all culminates in a firefight with a spider tank, yawn…  controlled by a Corp head bad guy who seems like he should have been a Ghost in a Shell also but turned out to be just another wiener fighting for uhm his deep convictions to uhm, defend his corporate values, whatever the hell they are. Yawn…

So lost teenage love reunites and fake semi naked ScarJo, yawn.. rips up her squat little bod trying to yank a spider tank open. Then the Corp baddie gets shot up by another Corp goodie or baddie, I mean who really cares at this point. We really have no idea who any of these people are or why there are doing anything. When I am sure there must be a futuristic hot dog stand somewhere that needs a few new customers and everything can be settled over a few Asaki beers.

ScarJo playing naked in the waterNothing can resuscitate this Valium rendition of the original Anime. Not even ScarJo’s stout, shapely,  seemingly nude parade can titivate any interest. Her fleshy camouflage suit is as placid and pale as the entire film. A semi nude Scarlet either attracts or distracts, the only thing missing is the NIPPLES and various opening. Probably a metaphor for the lack of humanity in the film. Someone should have pumped some blood into this project before throwing its carcass over the hot coals of an audience.

There is no MEAT on Ghost in the Shell’s metallic bones, and every character is a paint by numbers plastic avitar brushed by a robotic hand with a Nintendo Gameboy as a brain.

In an age when we have seen all these ideas wrapped in the same plastic yesterdays fish arrived in. Movie studios are going to have to push themselves to innovate and add depth of characters and less pixel depth to the script or they are going to lose a lot of money.

Critically, White Washing had nothing to do with the failure of this movie. Those that push that agenda love to listen to their own self righteous voices foam at the mouth to elevate themselves and soak in the filthy bathwater of their putrid egos. Riding a black horse painted white to puddle through to rescue Asians who couldn’t care less if a white woman played a character they themselves draw with round eyes and white wash themselves in countless Manga.

This is a Hollywood attempt to create a tentpole film to make a lot of money and that demands an actress with some history of box office draw. Sadly as much as any person should enjoy ScarJo distracting fake nude shots, she utterly failed to bring even a moment of humanity to her role and there were times I thought her airbrushed face was an actual robot without a human brain inside.

This recut trailer does look kinda cool though, and I’m sure a lot of people were hoping for more.

Why I didn’t like THE GRAND BUDAPEST HOTEL

the cut out near silent era nonsense of The Grand Budapest Hotel

Olde Piano roll please. THE GRAND BUDAPEST HOTEL is a self indulgent, quirky extravaganza teetering on the cusp of becoming a silent era soap opera for the senile. Unfortunately sound is available and used infinitely to elaborate through near constant voice overs reporting what is obvious, foretelling what further abuse the characters and viewers will be thrust upon.  Continue reading